Still processing

If you couldn't tell by now, I haven't been doing my job.  But I am a Christian and my faith is continuing to grow. I am a work in progress.

It was really hard for me to process my second birth, 1st attempt at a vbac... which became a c/s forced by the OB.  I knew God was in charge and didn't understand why He let this happen.  I knew he could control who was scheduled that day and for that matter, when I went into labor.  Why did He allow the worst ob to be over my delivery?  I won't lie... I had times of being mad at God for this.  I still don't completely understand it but have had times of possibly getting a glimpse of what He may be doing with all this.

When preparing for this last birth, I felt strongly that God wanted it to be a home birth.  I know we would not have had a home birth this time if my hospital vbac had gone well.  So, I began wondering if God allowed the second experience to happen so that this third birth would be at home.  That is where I have left things up until now.  It may sound crazy to non believers.  But to believers, I hope my thought process makes some sense.

I go to Bible Study Fellowship (a international bible study organization).  Yesterday, the lecturer was talking about how we are to be the Light.  We are like clay pots.  No light will pass unless there are cracks in the pot.  If I am a clay pot, I certainly have some cracks.  The challenge is, will I allow His light, His glory shine through those cracks as a testimony to His power, grace, and healing.  During the lecture, I jotted down these statements: God allows us to be in situations that let us be a witness to God's comfort and power.  There is purpose in our suffering.

Why did God allow this to happen to me?  Could it be for the greater good?  If I am going to suffer, I would prefer it to have a purpose... His purpose.  What can I do with my suffering?  I hope I have already begun with this blog.  I pray that my experiences and support can help those God wants me to help.  My prayer needs to be that God leads me to the people who need to be touched by Him in a special way.  I pray that I keep my focus on Him and allow Him direct me.  I pray that I take my personal suffering in stride keeping my focus on the purpose... His purpose.